Recovery Rocks

(0:22) Hey friend, welcome back to Recovery Rocks with Kelly. (0:25) I'm Kelly and I'm really glad you're here today. (0:28) On episode 4, I want to talk about the topic of I couldn't do it alone, finding God in (0:34) my recovery.
(0:36) This episode is going to be a little different. (0:39) It's personal, it's spiritual, and it's something that's become very important to me in my recovery. (0:46) Today I want to talk about God, not religion, not rules, and I'm definitely not here to (0:53) preach to anybody.
(0:55) I'm simply going to tell you about my experience, about faith, surrender, learning to let go, (1:03) and about realizing something that took me a long time to understand. (1:09) I couldn't do this alone. (1:13) For a long time, I thought strength meant handling everything myself.
(1:18) I thought I needed to have all the answers, needed to keep everything together. (1:25) I worried about what other people thought of me. (1:29) I worried about other people.
(1:31) I wanted people to be happy. (1:34) And if somebody wasn't happy, somehow I could make that my responsibility too. (1:42) That's exhausting.
(1:44) And somewhere along the way, alcohol became one of the ways I escaped from everything (1:50) I was carrying. (1:52) But when I entered recovery, something started to change. (1:56) I began realizing that putting down alcohol was only part of the journey.
(2:02) I also had to put down some of the things I had been carrying inside of me. (2:07) Fear, guilt, shame, the need of approval, the need to control things, the belief that (2:14) I had to handle everything by myself. (2:18) And my friend, that's where God started becoming such an important part of my recovery.
(2:24) Have you ever just reached a point where you just knew, I can't do this. (2:29) Maybe you tried everything you know how to do. (2:32) You tried to be stronger.
(2:35) You make promises to yourself. (2:38) Trying to control the situation. (2:41) You pretend that everything's okay.
(2:44) You tell yourself, tomorrow I'll do better. (2:47) And eventually you get tired. (2:49) Not just physically tired.
(2:51) You get soul tired. (2:54) That's the only way I knew how to describe it. (2:58) And there comes a point when you realize, maybe I'm not supposed to carry all this by (3:03) myself.
(3:04) For me, there's something incredibly powerful about being able to say, God, I need you. (3:13) Those aren't complicated words. (3:16) They're not fancy.
(3:18) They're not some perfect prayer, but they're honest. (3:23) And I've learned that sometimes the most powerful prayers aren't long prayers. (3:28) Sometimes they're, God, help me.
(3:30) God, give me strength. (3:31) God, show me what to do. (3:33) God, please get me through the day.
(3:36) And sometimes, God, I don't know what I need right now, but do you. (3:44) That's a prayer too. (3:46) Then comes the word surrender.
(3:49) Surrender is a word we hear a lot in recovery. (3:52) I used to think surrender sounded weak. (3:55) Because when you hear the word surrender, what do you picture? (3:59) Giving up, losing, waving that white flag, admitting defeat.
(4:06) But recovery has completely changed the meaning of that word for me. (4:10) Today's surrender doesn't mean I'm giving up. (4:12) It means I'm giving this over.
(4:15) That's a huge difference, my friend. (4:18) I'm giving over the things I can't control. (4:21) Over tomorrow, I'm giving over what other people think of me.
(4:25) I'm turning over situations I can't fix. (4:29) I'm giving over the things that keep me awake at night. (4:33) Giving over that fear, shame, and I'm saying, God, I can't carry this today.
(4:39) I am giving it to you. (4:42) Now, do I always leave it there? (4:45) No. (4:46) Let's be honest.
(4:48) Sometimes I give something to God, and then five minutes later, (4:51) I'm picking it right back up. (4:54) OK, God, I know I gave you that problem. (4:57) But I was thinking maybe I could worry about it for another six hours.
(5:03) Anybody else out there get what I mean? (5:07) That's where the practice comes in. (5:10) Surrender isn't necessarily something I do once. (5:12) Sometimes I have to surrender the same thing over and over and over and over (5:17) and over again, and every time I do, I'm practicing trust.
(5:22) So now, my friends, I go a little deeper. (5:26) Where was God when I was drinking? (5:28) This question I think some of us can wrestle with. (5:32) Where was God during the hard parts? (5:36) Where was He when I was struggling? (5:39) Where was God when I was making choices I wish I hadn't made? (5:44) Where was He when I didn't recognize myself? (5:47) I can't answer that question for anybody else, (5:50) but when I look back at my own life, I don't believe God abandoned me.
(5:56) I think there were moments when I couldn't see Him. (6:00) There's a difference. (6:03) Sometimes when we're in the middle of pain, (6:05) we can't see anything beyond the pain.
(6:08) Sometimes we're so busy surviving that we don't recognize (6:11) what's happening around us. (6:13) But looking back, I can see things differently now. (6:17) I can see moments where maybe I was being guided and I didn't know.
(6:24) I could see people who came into my life, conversations I needed, (6:28) moments that made me stop and think. (6:31) Doors open, doors close. (6:33) And also moments where something inside me whispered, (6:38) Kelly, there's more for you than this.
(6:42) At the time, maybe I didn't understand it, (6:45) but now I can look backward and I see things (6:49) I couldn't see while I was walking through them. (6:52) And that's part of faith for me. (6:56) I'm going to share a part of my personal experience of my past.
(7:01) Now, this is in the darkest time of my drinking. (7:05) I would say at the age of 29, 28. (7:09) I'm alone in my apartment drinking.
(7:13) Have a good buzz on. (7:16) I'll try to picture this in your mind. (7:21) This is what alcohol does to you as a woman drinking.
(7:27) I hear a loud voice say, that's going to catch up to you soon. (7:33) I paused, I stopped my music. (7:35) And at that moment, I knew in my heart that came from God.
(7:40) I said to myself, I will quit when I'm ready to quit. (7:47) About four years later, I'm alone back in my apartment. (7:54) Now I'm lying on my bathroom floor.
(7:58) I won't get into too much crazy detail (8:01) and try not to gross you out. (8:04) But wait, maybe I should because like I said, (8:06) this is what alcohol does to your body. (8:10) All right, back to the story here.
(8:13) On the bathroom floor, and I had been puking up (8:20) quite a bit of blood. (8:22) I can't get up. (8:24) I'm so weak.
(8:26) I am yellow. (8:27) Yellow is a banana. (8:28) That is like my skin, my eyes.
(8:32) My stomach is so distended, hard as a basketball. (8:38) I'm pretty sure I'm having liver issues. (8:42) I'm shaking, shaking like so bad, (8:45) like leaves shaking on a tree.
(8:47) So confused, so dizzy, rapid heart race. (8:52) I cannot control anything. (8:56) I have my phone in my hand to call 911.
(9:00) It keeps going through my mind, through my mind. (9:03) But I'm too scared to call. (9:07) Now the crazy part is I don't want people to find out.
(9:12) Now usually in any kind of situation that I was in, (9:16) anything, I would always call my mom. (9:19) She was always the one I would call for any bad situation. (9:24) I couldn't even call her because I just was too embarrassed.
(9:28) I didn't want any family members to find out (9:31) that I'd gotten this bad. (9:33) I'm crying. (9:35) I'm scared.
(9:38) I think I'm going to die. (9:42) My God, you were right. (9:45) If I only would have listened to your voice and stopped, (9:49) I seriously kept crying out to God, help me, help me.
(9:57) I finally then called a good friend of mine. (10:00) She came over and took me to the hospital. (10:04) I was admitted to the ICU (10:06) and found out my liver was in failure.
(10:10) Due to my excessive drinking, (10:13) it was causing other organs to want to not function. (10:17) So they were starting to shut down. (10:21) So I laid in the ICU for a few weeks.
(10:26) Of course, then family members and everybody (10:29) found out at that moment. (10:32) I still was in denial to the doctors of drinking (10:35) and how much I was drinking. (10:39) When clearly they knew it was due to alcohol.
(10:45) I want to share that personal story in this podcast (10:49) because deep down, (10:55) even though I may have not thought God was there (11:01) through that time, (11:03) but now looking back, He was always there. (11:09) You know, once I allowed myself to surrender (11:12) and stop the control of my will (11:17) and do God will and give it to Him, (11:22) my recovery spiritually changed. (11:28) But my friends, it didn't just stop from there, though.
(11:31) It was a process after that. (11:35) Many relapses after that. (11:39) So having 11 years sobriety today (11:42) wasn't just 11, you know, boom, boom, boom.
(11:45) So it took me some time. (11:49) So it's just an experience I wanted to share with you (11:53) how controlling the drinking, (11:58) of just keeping thinking I can just quit on my own (12:03) or maybe the next day or I'll quit then (12:07) or I'll start this program then (12:10) or I'm just going to wait until this day (12:12) or, you know, yes. (12:17) I kept putting it off and it eventually took over my body (12:23) and physically was killing me.
(12:26) So I just kind of want to share that experience (12:29) and hope it can kind of touch another woman out there (12:33) to understand how alcohol is so much harder on women physically. (12:43) I really, really realized I just, I couldn't do it alone. (12:49) Finding God in my recovery.
(12:52) But now I see. (12:55) There's a phrase I love. (12:58) I was once blind, but now I see.
(13:02) And I think about that differently in recovery (13:06) because recovery has opened my eyes to things about myself (13:11) I couldn't or maybe didn't want to see before. (13:16) I see how much energy I spent trying to please people. (13:20) I see how much I worried, how often I ignored my own needs, (13:26) why I wanted to escape, (13:28) how alcohol became connected to that escape.
(13:32) But here's the beautiful part, people. (13:35) I also see something else now. (13:38) I see who I'm becoming.
(13:41) I see a woman learning to use her voice, (13:44) a woman learning boundaries, learning that she has value. (13:49) I see a woman learning that she doesn't have to be perfect (13:52) to be loved, a woman learning how to trust God. (13:57) And I see a woman who still has a whole lot of life ahead of her.
(14:02) And that's what, but now I see means to me. (14:07) It's not about looking backward and beating myself up. (14:10) It's about looking backward with new eyes and saying, (14:15) now I understand.
(14:18) Friends, I'm done with that shame. (14:22) I think shame keeps a lot of women stuck. (14:26) We think about things we've done, things you've said, (14:31) time we've lost, people we've hurt, (14:34) things we wish we could have changed.
(14:38) Shame whispers, who do you think you are? (14:43) Look at your past. (14:44) You don't deserve another chance. (14:46) Everybody will judge you.
(14:49) But I don't believe that's God's voice. (14:52) I believe grace sounds different. (14:55) Grace says, yes, that's part of your story, (14:58) but it's not the end.
(15:01) That doesn't mean we pretend the past didn't happen. (15:04) Recovery requires honesty. (15:06) Sometimes it requires making things right.
(15:10) Sometimes it requires taking responsibility, (15:14) but taking responsibility and living in shame (15:16) are not the same thing. (15:18) I can say, I made mistakes without saying I am a mistake. (15:24) Those are two completely different statements.
(15:28) And friend, if you're carrying something (15:30) from your past today, maybe it's time to ask, (15:34) is God asking me to keep punishing myself for this (15:37) or am I the one refusing to put it down? (15:42) That's a question worth sitting with. (15:45) I want to make this really clear. (15:47) Finding God in my recovery (15:49) doesn't mean everything became easy.
(15:52) It doesn't mean I wake up every morning feeling peaceful. (15:56) Doesn't mean I never get scared and never worry (15:59) or I don't have difficult days. (16:01) Yes, I do.
(16:03) Faith doesn't remove every storm. (16:06) For me, faith means I don't have to walk (16:09) through the storm alone. (16:11) There's a big difference.
(16:12) I can have hard days (16:13) and still believe tomorrow can be better. (16:16) Maybe there's a purpose in all of this. (16:20) There's something I've been thinking about more and more.
(16:24) For a long time, I probably wouldn't have chased (16:28) to erase some of the difficult parts of my story. (16:31) But now I wonder, what if God can use them? (16:37) What if the things I've been through allow me (16:39) to understand another woman who is struggling? (16:43) What if telling my story helps somebody feel less ashamed? (16:48) What if somebody hears this podcast (16:51) while she's sitting and thinking, (16:55) nobody understands what I'm going through. (16:58) And suddenly she hears another woman say, I understand.
(17:02) Maybe that's a purpose. (17:04) I don't believe we have to be grateful (17:06) for every painful thing that's happened to us. (17:09) But I do believe something meaningful can grow out of pain.
(17:13) Maybe that's part of what Recovery Rocks (17:15) with Kelly is becoming for me. (17:19) I'm taking something that once brought pain into my life (17:22) and I'm talking about it. (17:25) I'm bringing it into the light (17:27) and maybe the light reaches another woman.
(17:30) That's pretty powerful. (17:33) Before we finish, I want to talk to the woman (17:37) who's still listening and thinking. (17:40) Kelly, I don't know if I have what kind of faith you have.
(17:44) That's okay. (17:46) Maybe you're angry with God, maybe you're confused. (17:50) Maybe you haven't prayed in years.
(17:53) Maybe you don't know what you believe in anymore. (17:58) I'm not gonna tell you how you're supposed to feel. (18:00) I'm just gonna tell you what I've learned.
(18:04) You don't have to have the perfect faith (18:06) to start talking to God. (18:08) Maybe your prayer tonight is, (18:10) God, I don't even know if you're there, (18:12) but I need your help. (18:14) That's honest.
(18:16) And sometimes honesty is where the relationship begins. (18:20) Before we go, I want to pray. (18:22) If prayer is something you're comfortable with, (18:24) I'd like to leave it with you today.
(18:28) God, thank you for another day. (18:31) Thank you for every woman listening right now, (18:34) for the woman who is strong today, (18:36) especially for the woman (18:38) who doesn't feel strong at all today. (18:41) Help us put down the things we were never meant to carry.
(18:46) Help us release the shame of yesterday. (18:49) Help us to stop trying to control tomorrow. (18:52) Give us strength for today.
(18:55) Help us know when to speak, (18:58) when to be still, (19:00) when to set a boundary, (19:01) when to ask for help, (19:03) and when to simply let go. (19:06) Remind us that our past (19:08) does not have to determine our future. (19:10) Help us see ourselves with grace.
(19:13) And when we don't know what comes next, (19:16) give us enough courage to take the next right step. (19:19) Thank you for second chances. (19:21) Thank you for recovery.
(19:23) Thank you for your hope. (19:26) And thank you for reminding us (19:28) that we don't have to do this alone. (19:31) Amen.
(19:33) Friends, if you're taking anything from today's episode, (19:37) I hope it's this. (19:38) Surrender isn't weakness. (19:40) Sometimes surrender is one of the strongest things (19:43) we can do.
(19:45) It's opening our hands and saying, (19:47) God, I can't carry this anymore. (19:49) I spent a lot of time thinking (19:51) I had to be strong enough (19:52) to handle everything myself. (19:54) Today, I'm learning a different kind of strength.
(19:57) I'm learning to ask for help. (19:59) I'm learning to trust to let go. (20:02) I'm learning to forgive myself.
(20:04) And I'm learning that God can meet me exactly where I am, (20:08) not where I think I'm supposed to be. (20:11) I'm Kelly. (20:12) This is Recovery Rocks with Kelly.
(20:14) And wherever you are in your recovery today, keep going. (20:19) You don't need to figure out (20:20) the rest of your life tonight. (20:22) Just take the next right step.
(20:25) And when the road feels too heavy, (20:27) remember you don't have to carry this alone. (20:30) Until next time, friend, keep the faith, (20:33) keep choosing recovery, and keep rocking your recovery (20:36) because Recovery Rocks. (20:39) I'll talk to you next time.